"Insight into the teenage mind" Wendy Bates- Intervention Specialist
Research has shown us over the years that the teenage brain does not function in the same way that an adult brain does. In order for a teen brain to move from contemplation to a "thought out" decision can take up to 8 minutes. It has to do with the proteins in their brain. They are impulsive in many things they do because it can take so long to get their "decision" part of their brain to fully function. This translates into many communication barriers. And what they hear is often not what you are trying to say. You might say "I know you can do better in math". But the first thing they hear "you are so stupid". You were simply trying to show how confident you are of your child, but they hear criticism. Recently in my counseling groups we have tried an experiment in order to improve communication skills. We have been discussing how each student looks for love. The assignment was to find one way to ask for love, approval or attention from a parent. Only a few students were able to communicate what they needed in healthy ways. Instead most withdrew, used intimidation or started an argument, swearing, the silent treatment, or just agreeing passively with whatever to avoid arguments.
Unfortunately, when teens don't "feel" loved, they often resort to using drugs/ alcohol or other destructive habits like cutting, isolation or gambling. Remember you might think you show your teen enough love, but the real question is "does
she or he feel loved?" It is true that teens need to be more independent and they will naturally test limits, but somehow society thinks that giving "independence" means that parents should not be as involved. Just the opposite, with more independence comes the need for more guidance. My group members have come up with some simple rules to follow when having a conversation with your teen:
#1) Start the conversation with a genuinely warm greeting. Students tell me all the time that the only time they have a parental conversation is when they are in trouble. Do you "light up" when your kid comes into the room or are you laying in wait with complaints?
#2) With any concerns or complaints, start with an "I statement". Look for solutions and avoid the blame game. For example "I think of all the worse possible things that could happen to you when you are late for curfew." This will start a conversation. But saying "You were late again" and "just you wait for your punishment" gets him or her on the defensive. And being sarcastic and asking the question "And what time did you come home last night?" will also put up the communication barriers, because it is still one of blame.
#3) Apologize when you have even made the smallest mistake. It is not a sign of weakness, but can open all sorts of honest communications.
#4) Get clarification of what she or he has heard you say. And really listen before you restate or correct them.
#5) Pick your battles. Ask yourself if you are "nagging" too much. You can even ask your teen if they think you "nag" too much. Giving a lecture about books left on the floor might not be as important as you think. I try to teach students healthy ways to deal with everyday stressors. But you are still their role model. They watch the way you communicate and solve problems. Talk to your teen today about ways you might open conversation. You might be surprised what you learn. Wendy Bates Med, CDP
